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HOLY TRINITY CATHOLIC CHURCH3122 Poinsetta Dr Colorado Springs, CO 80907Telephone (719)-633-2132 Fax (719) 633-0975 Website: www.holytrinitycs.com |
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| Funeral Planning | |
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Frequently Asked Questions about Funeral Liturgies & Etiquette
Funeral Planning Booklet
Funeral Planning Checklist
FAQs about Funerals
Why is a funeral important?
Should I put someone objective in charge of funeral
home arrangements?
Should children go to
funerals?
How does one write an obituary?
Is there such a thing as planning a traditional
Catholic burial?
What are eulogies?
Are there benefits to pre-planning a funeral?
Is a last will and testament really that important?
What is a memorial?
Are there
safety concerns to be aware of after deaths?
Is there a norm regarding the consumption of alcoholic
beverages?
Is there such a thing as vigil
and funeral etiquette?
1. Why should I go?
2. What should I say?
3. They don't know me. Why should I come?
4. How long should I pay my respect to the deceased?
5. How long should I stay?
6. Do I have to wear black?
7. Where should I send flowers?
8. Can I make a give in lieu of sending flowers?
9. Should I send
or give the family a card?
10. Are Mass cards appropriate for vigils or funerals?
11. Could I just send the family a personal note
instead?
12.
Should I be a good listener?
13. Why should I contact the family after the
funeral?
14.
How appropriate is it to discuss the death with the family?
WHY IS A FUNERAL IMPORTANT? ?
The
funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who
mourn. Funerals serve several purposes. In addition to commemorating
the life of the deceased, a funeral offers emotional support
to the bereaved and an opportunity for friends and family to
pay tribute to their loved one. In most cases, the process of
going through the planning and final disposition helps the family
come to terms with the fact that a death has occurred.
Funerals celebrate the life of the deceased, but the funeral
liturgies are also for the surviving family and friends. While
you may want to be a lector or a eulogist, sometimes it is best
to let others serve these functions, thus leaving the immediate
family to be present to the day’s events.
Customs for
expressing sympathy vary according to religious and ethnic customs
and traditions. The following information is offered merely
as a guideline for what is generally accepted in various circumstances
during a funeral.
SHOULD I PUT SOMEONE
OBJECTIVE IN CHARGE OF FUNERAL HOME ARRANGEMENTS?
Someone
who is responsible and is not overwhelmed by the death will
be able to take the time to make prudent and wise choices. Those
in grief typically are prone to make rushed or poor judgments
and could be easily overwhelmed by the sense of a need to “just
get things done”. You can save thousands of dollars while funeral
planning simply by making decisions that are best for you and
your departed loved one.
SHOULD CHILDREN
GO TO FUNERALS?
Preparing children for a funeral is extremely
important. Experiencing the death of a loved one, and being
exposed to the funeral process, can be frightening and confusing
experience for a child. One thing that many parents forget is
that their young children may not understand what a funeral
is, why it's necessary or what will be happening. Particularly
in the case of young children, it may be their first encounter
with death and they may have many questions. The best way to
approach the topic is with care, honesty, and presenting the
information at a level that the child can easily understand.
Quite often, children may only be curious about one or two
things. They almost certainly don't want to know all the details
of embalming or what happens to a body after death, etc. Surprisingly
and generally detrimentally, some parents will tell their children
everything about death and inadvertently traumatize the child.
If a child asks, “What is the casket made of?”, answer “wood”
and wait to see if they have any more questions.
Please
understand that some children may not be able to deal with the
burial. Before you bring a child to a burial, be sure they know
what they're going to see. Explain it step-by-step and stop
to ask them if they have any questions. If they raise objections,
they may not be ready, and we need to respect that. A child
shouldn't be forced to attend a funeral, if they strongly protest.
Sharing stories has a therapeutic effect on those in
grief. Even young children can share memories. This becomes
a great opportunity or way to pass on the deceased person’s
legacy, as well as assist in the survivors’ healing process.
On the other hand, you may find that a child wants to be
involved in the funeral. It may help the child understand the
loss of a loved one more clearly, if they can participate in
the process. Many kids just want to be included in the funeral
in order to say goodbye to a loved one. They can also bring
a flower or gift to the deceased to be placed on a memory table
in the church or funeral home. Pictures and other items are
placed on the table and help to create time of sharing as all
take the opportunity to reflect back on the goodness of and
good times with the deceased person. Children may also participate
in the offertory procession. The bottom line however is to be
open and sensitive to the child’s feelings and ability to process
the death and mourning.
HOW DOES ONE
WRITE AN OBITUARY?
Writing an obituary is an important
part of funeral planning. An obituary can be very basic, including
only the essential facts about a person's life, such as the
names of children, grandchildren and the spouse; birthplace;
the career(s) of the deceased; their interests and fascinations;
and perhaps a favorite scripture verse or quote. On the other
hand, an obituary can also be very personal, warm and unique.
An obituary can be taken care of in advance, especially
if someone is terminally ill. Today, many people like to have
a say in their own obituary or may want to write their own as
a way of working through their own funeral planning. Having
an obituary written before the time of the funeral removes some
of the stress and anxiety associated with planning.
Writing
a good obituary can even be a therapeutic part of grieving,
allowing you time to express the feelings about the deceased
that you really feel others should be aware of. You'll experience
an assortment of emotions throughout the process, and ideally
they should be reflected in the final product. We recommend
that you check with the funeral home regarding fees incurred
with publishing an obituary in the newspaper. Some newspapers
charge per published word.
The basics of portions or
components of writing an obituary include:
1. General
Information: The name of the deceased, the dates and locations
of birth and death, and (if appropriate) the cause of death.
2. Biographical information: About the person's life,
the things they accomplished, their education, interests, hobbies,
etc. What would the deceased most want to be remembered for
in his or her life?
3. Survivors: A family tree lists the
spouse, children, grandchildren, in-laws and any other close
relatives.
4. Schedule of Ceremonies: List the time and
location of viewings (also known as wakes) and all services.
5. Memorials: These are instructions on how to honor
the deceased, from contributions to flowers or donations to
the deceased or donor’s favorite charity, etc.
6. Arrangements:
This generally includes the funeral provider and may have a
phone number to which people can direct questions.
IS THERE SUCH A THING AS PLANNING A TRADITIONAL
CATHOLIC BURIAL?
A Catholic funeral, like all funerals,
is a time of sadness and mourning. However, in our Catholic
faith, there is also joy in the belief that a funeral represents
the passing of the beloved into eternal life with Our Lord.
The Catholic Vigil is a prayer service, usually held
the evening before the funeral. The community of friends and
family gather at the funeral home or church for a service to
remember the deceased person. The Vigil includes prayers for
both the deceased and the surviving and grieving family. Eulogies
are more appropriately read at the Vigil, instead of at the
funeral service.
In our current day, many friends of
the deceased may be unable to attend the funeral, so the Vigil
has been found to be the more appropriate time for members of
the family and friends to share memories of or to pay tribute
to the deceased by giving of a eulogy or eulogies. Also, it
is the appropriate time to recall those things which were dear
to the deceased through photographs and other objects, and through
the singing of favorite songs.
The core of the Catholic
funeral celebration consists of several elements. These elements
can be found in more detail in the parish’s handbook entitled,
“Funeral Mass and Vigil Planning”.
Specifically, regarding
the burial of a loved one, there are two conventional methods:
Interment and Cremation.
Internment: In the Catholic
Church, there is a great deal of respect and dignity given to
the human body. We believe that the body is the temple of the
Lord and at the End of Days, there will be a resurrection of
the body.
Caskets:
Most people in the funeral industry
do not use the word coffin anymore, and have adopted ‘casket'
in its place. Whatever you call them, they are one of the most
expensive items you will purchase in a traditional funeral.
If a funeral is not pre-planned, there might not be a lot of
time to consider casket purchases. Surveys show most consumers
look at three choices, and opt for the one priced in the middle.
If you do wish to purchase a traditional, ornate casket, you
still need to consider variations in cost, which can result
from the material used, the ornamentation involved as well as
the casket company itself.
Cremation: Although previously
a controversial subject within the Catholic Church, presently
the Church permits cremation.
Urns:
If the loved
one is cremated, their remains are stored in a cremation urn.
To meet the demand caused by public acceptance of cremation,
there are an increasing number of choices in urns, both in form
and material. You can buy urns in almost any shape and size
imaginable, made of any of a number of durable materials, from
wood to precious metals. The designs of today's urns are becoming
increasingly diverse and there are a lot of different forms
to choose from.
Although cremation is currently permitted
by the Church, it does not fully enjoy the same value as burial
of the body. The Church strongly prefers and urges that the
body of the deceased be present for the funeral rites, since
the presence of the human body better expresses the values which
the Church affirms in the funeral rites. Therefore, it is recommended
that cremation take place following the funeral liturgy. We
recommend that you check with the funeral home about the option
of renting a casket also. This helps to keep the overall cost
down, as you do not have the expense of purchasing the entire,
new casket itself—simply use it for a short period of time.
Sometimes however, the Church understands that it is not
feasible for the body to be present for the Funeral Mass. When
such extraordinary circumstances make the cremation of the body
the only feasible choice, the Church still provides funeral
liturgical celebrations (including the Vigil for the Deceased;
Funeral Liturgy inside or outside the Mass; and the Rite of
Committal). Note, the cremated remains of the body should then
be reverently buried or entombed in a cemetery or columbarium,
Rite of Committal is celebrated at the cemetery or columbarium,
as soon as possible, following the Funeral Liturgy and/or cremation.
The remains of cremated bodies should be treated with the
same respect given to the corporeal remains of the human body.
This includes the manner in which they are carried, the care
and attention to appropriate placement and transportation, and
their final resting lace.
As previously discussed above,
the cremated remains of a body should be entombed in a cemetery,
mausoleum or columbarium. The practices of scattering cremated
remains on the sea, from the air, or on the ground or keeping
cremated remains in the home of a relative or friend of the
deceased are not reverent disposition that the Church requires.
WHAT ARE EULOGIES?
The term ‘eulogy'
comes from the Greek language, meaning literally ‘words of praise'.
Eulogies are perhaps the most common form of memorial. They
are a unique form of public speaking, as the person who delivers
a eulogy is usually not accustomed to public speaking before
an audience—particularly not when they are in mourning. When
delivering a eulogy one must remember to show respect for the
deceased and be mindful of the feelings of those in the audience.
All of these guidelines can generally make writing a eulogy
one of the most difficult aspects of funeral arrangement planning,
but one that can be genuinely very beneficial in the person
and/or family’s grieving process. Writing the eulogy down also
helps the person(s) to put things in a logical order and allows
someone else to deliver the eulogy, if you are unable to at
the last moment.
ARE THERE BENEFITS TO
PRE-PLANNING A FUNERAL?
Pre-planning one’s own funeral
takes a great deal of the pressure off the surviving family
and friends. Funeral pre-planning (also known as personal funeral
planning) is a wise and increasingly popular practice that's
becoming increasingly accepted and appreciated in the U.S. People
are sometimes hesitant to pre-plan a funeral because they think
they are not going to die anytime soon or they may not like
the idea of thinking about their own death and funeral. There
may even be some superstition that planning one’s own funeral
will somehow bring about their hasty death. This is untrue.
Over time, many people move beyond their initial resistance
to the idea and actually find funeral planning to be a freeing
experience.
By pre-planning, you are able to make sure
things are done in the way you would like them and you will
know that you are relieving your loved ones of some very burdensome
future responsibilities. You can begin the funeral planning
process long before you are even close to death or seriously
ill. If you are ill or in the process of dying, funeral planning
can be a proactive way of dealing with the inevitable. If you
pre-plan your funeral, you actually help your family to avoid
some of the normal stress and chaos associated with death and
funerals. Additionally, in many cases, by pre-planning funeral
arrangements, you lock in and pay funeral costs at that point
in time and avoid future cost increase/inflation in the years
ahead.
IS A LAST WILL & TESTAMENT REALLY
THAT IMPORTANT?
Funeral planning and estate planning
are closely related in two respects: One, you can add funeral
plans into your estate planning or will, and two, like funeral
planning, estate planning can make your funeral much easier
for your loved ones, since they won't have to fear or endure
the legal hassles of probate or estate court proceedings.
There are many advantages to having a will and planning
the management of your estate, particularly for anyone with
assets or children and/or a spouse. The time of one’s death
will most likely be stressful and chaotic for the surviving
loved ones. Estate planning allows you to remove at least some
of the burden and stress. Many people feel they do not need
a will, perhaps assuming that their assets are so little they
don't require an estate plan. However, the fluctuating real
estate values and stock markets (to name a few examples), make
this position ill advised; regardless of the size of the estate.
Another popular misconception is that the State of Colorado
or County of El Paso will sort out assets, so there's no need
to do it yourself. While there is an existing legal process
for settling one’s probate/estate without a will, there is no
guarantee that the state or county will sort out your assets
fairly, if you don't provide written direction in the form of
a will. More likely than not, chances are things would not come
out as you would have intended. We recommend that you contact
a professional to help you decide what is best for your personal
circumstance.
WHAT IS A MEMORIAL?
The process of planning a funeral inevitably involves the
choice of a permanent memorial. The funeral itself is an important
event that will help the bereaved deal with the loss of a loved
one; but the creation of a memorial - which can be done in a
number of different ways - offers a space to commemorate the
deceased, and gives loved ones a place to visit as they work
through their grief.
When someone has died, we want to
memorialize them appropriately and reverently. The selection
of a memorial may have been previously dictated by the deceased
or it may be left up to loved ones. For those who pre-plan a
funeral, there is an opportunity to choose a memorial that best
suits the way they want to be remembered. Regardless of who
chooses the memorial, it is generally an incredibly personal
tribute.
Memorials are most often simply gravestones
or tombstones. Gravestones are put in the cemetery and mark
the place where the deceased is buried or interred. They may
also be put at a mausoleum. Since they're meant to remain outside,
tombstones need to be made of durable material - generally they
are made from granite. A tombstone allows the bereaved a visible
reminder of the deceased, which can be shaped or engraved to
be a more personal tribute. Consult various funeral homes to
determine the myriad of options available to you.
ARE THERE SAFETY CONCERNS TO BE AWARE OF AFTER
DEATHS?
Regrettably, often times the deceased person’s
home may be targeted by criminals during the wake and funeral,
because they suspect that no one will be in the home during
these times. We recommend that you ask a trusted friend or neighbor
to watch the home while you participate in the funeral liturgies.
IS THERE A NORM REGARDING THE CONSUMPTION
OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES
Generally speaking, the possession
and/or consumption of alcoholic beverages (e.g., beer, hard
liquor, etc) during funeral-related liturgies (e.g., the Vigil;
the Funeral; etc) is prohibited. The consumption of alcoholic
beverages and snacks would be better discussed or explored during
private after-liturgy get-togethers of the immediate family
and friends. Ultimately, the sacredness and reverence of the
liturgies and respect of the deceased person are not conducive
with the general consumption of alcoholic beverages.
IS THERE SUCH A THING AS VIGIL AND FUNERAL
ETIQUETTE?
The best guides to proper funeral etiquette
are discretion and reverence for the deceased and their surviving
family. A few suggested principles of courtesy and etiquette
to follow are:
1. WHY SHOULD I GO?
If for some reason you are unable to attend the Vigil and/or
Funeral, it is a common gesture for close friends of the bereaving
family to visit the family's home to offer sympathy and assistance
- this is sometimes referred to as a condolence visit. With
the bereaving family having to ensure that all the arrangements
are looked after, a close friend(s) may become very helpful
with food preparation and childcare. The visit can take place
any time within the first few weeks of death and may be followed
with one or more additional visits, depending on the circumstances
and your relationship with the family. Note, this may vary from
family-to-family so please respect the family’s wishes in this
regard.
2. WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
In
addition to expressing sympathy (e.g., “… I’m sorry to hear
that …”; “… I’m sorry to hear of ___’s death, is there anything
I can do for you”…, etc) it is appropriate, if desired, to relay
to family members your fond memories of the deceased. In some
cases, family members may simply want you to be a good listener
to their expressions of grief or their own memories of the deceased.
In most circumstances, it is not appropriate to inquire as to
the person’s cause of death.
3. THEY
DON’T KNOW ME. WHY SHOULD I COME?
If you attend a viewing
or wake, you should approach the family and express your sympathy.
As with the condolence visit, it is appropriate to relay your
memories of the deceased. If you were only acquainted with the
deceased (and not the family) you should introduce yourself
and explain how you came to know the deceased.
Your presence
at the visitation demonstrates that although someone has died,
friends still remain. Your presence is an eloquent statement
that you care. Visitation provides a time and place for friends
to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than
awkwardly approaching the subject at the office, supermarket
or social activities. The obituary/death notice will designate
the hours of visitation when the family will be present and
will also designate the times when special services, such as
lodge services or prayer services may be held. Persons may call
at the funeral home at any time during suggested hours of the
day or evening to pay respects, even though the family is not
present. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register
book. A person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John
Doe". If the person is a business associate, it is proper to
list their affiliation, as the family may not be familiar with
their relationship to the deceased.
4. HOW LONG SHOULD I PAY MY RESPECT TO THE DECEASED?
It
is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased if
the body is present and the casket is open. The length of time
that you use to view the deceased’s body is a matter of personal
choice. A few moments of reverent prayer before the body would
be appropriate, while only a few seconds, could reflect a sense
of being rushed or uncomfortable with the situation. You may
wish to say a silent prayer for, or meditate about, the deceased
at this time. In some cases, the family may escort you to the
casket.
5. HOW LONG SHOULD I STAY?
The length of your visit at the viewing or wake is a matter
of your personal discretion. Generally, a few moments conversing
with the immediate family; viewing and praying before the deceased;
and conversing with other family or friends present is strongly
advisable.
6. DO I HAVE TO WEAR BLACK?
As with other aspects of modern day society, funeral dress
codes have relaxed somewhat. Black dress is no longer required.
Instead subdued or darker hues should be selected—the more conservative
the better. After the funeral, the family often receives invited
visitors to the parish’s meeting area or their home for pleasant
conversation and refreshments.
7. WHERE
SHOULD I SEND FLOWERS?
You can send flowers to the funeral
home prior to the funeral or to the family residence at any
time. If in doubt, florists know what is appropriate to send
for a funeral setting.
8. CAN I MAKE
A GIFT IN LIEU OF SENDING FLOWERS?
Gifts in memory of the
deceased are often made, particularly when the family has requested
gifts in lieu of flowers. The family is notified of the gifts
by personal note from the donor or through the donee, if the
donee is a charity or other organization. In the latter case,
the donor provides the family's name and address to the charity
at the time the gift is made.
9. SHOULD
I SEND OR GIVE THE FAMILY A CARD?
Even if you don't make
a gift, a note or card to the deceased's family expressing your
sympathy, condolences, and thoughts of the deceased is a welcome
gesture, especially if you weren't able to attend the funeral.
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance,
is appropriate. It means so much to the family members to know
they are in your thoughts and prayers. The card should be in
good taste and in keeping with your relationship to the family
of the deceased.
10. ARE MASS CARDS
APPROPRIATE FOR VIGILS OR FUNERALS?
Mass cards can be sent
either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The offering of
prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a family within
the Catholic faith. A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased
has been arranged may be obtained from any Catholic parish.
The Mass offering card or envelope is given to the family as
an indication of understanding, faith, and compassion. Make
sure that your name and address is legible and that you list
your postal code. This will make it easier for the family to
acknowledge your gift.
11. COULD I
JUST SEND THE FAMILY A PERSONAL NOTE INSTEAD?
A personal
note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly
and sincerely. An expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of
your personal loss" will be welcomed by the family and can be
kept with other messages.
12. SHOULD
I BE A GOOD LISTENER?
Speaking to a family member gives
you an opportunity to offer your sympathy, services and make
them feel and know that you genuinely care. If they wish to
discuss their recent loss, don't hesitate to talk to the person
about the deceased. Be a good listener.
13. WHY SHOULD I CONTACT THE FAMILY AFTER THE
FUNERAL?
When the funeral service is over, the survivors
often feel very alone in dealing with their feelings and trying
to get back to a “normal” life after the loss of their loved
one. It is important that they know you are still there. Keep
in touch.
14. HOW APPROPRIATE IS IT
TO DISCUSS THE DEATH WITH THE FAMILY?
Regarding grief recovery,
it is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically
with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief
that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering
of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed.
It is important that we share our grief with one another. Your
local funeral director and Catholic parishes can help family
and friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs
in your area.
Please email us if you cannot find information you need or a page is outdated